"Masquerade"

Humans are emotional creatures. We are bound to feel something over petty things. Be it fear, anger, sadness, shame, excitement, happiness and the list goes on.
But how often do we really let them show?
How often do we allow people know how we feel?
Do they even care? Do YOU even care?

I am one of those who loves watching people. I would often seat in a corner and watch people pass by. As they come and go, I observe the way they walk, the way they stand, the gestures they make while talking and anything that they do while they're in my line of vision. I like peoples' expressions. Watching them express themselves in the way they move entertains me. Especially, when they're doing it unconsciously.

I am not an expert when it comes to human behavior. I can't say I'm old enough to have all the experience that I need to gain the wisdom of reading people. But as I watch them pass by, I realize, everybody seems to be the same. Each of them are wearing the same masks, painted in different colors and in different sizes, but still the same masks; with the same expression, the same coldness and same purpose, to hide the identity of the person behind it.

As I watch and observe people, something came to mind. A Masquerade. It seems like we're living in a world of masquerade. A world full of people who hides behind a mask. Everybody seems to be different. There are tall, short, lean, and everything else. But most of them wear the same expression. Others would laugh and smile, they may look different, but if you really look at it, they're actually wearing the same smile. Some looks indifferent, they're interesting because they wear the same expression, but their eyes are saying something else. There are those who looks tough, but then, you'd see them soften as they look into something or someone. Though it rarely happens, or more appropriately, rarely noticeable, those times were the precious moments in my eyes. Because those are the times that they were honest.

Everybody, seems so strong, happy and good. That's the mask we wear all the time. We often smile to hide the pain. Laugh so they won't notice the tears. Put up a brave front so they'd think that we're fine and that everything's alright. The sad part is, we often wear the mask not just to hide from people, but also to hide from ourselves. Putting on the mask, we make them believe it, hoping that maybe one day, we'd be able to believe it too.

We go on each day with the mask on. Putting up a show in this big stage we call life. Living in this masquerade world. This "make believe reality" that we experience everyday, is the story of most of us.

We stay hidden from the world. Even those who stand close to us were fooled. That's the game. That's how this masquerade world operates. Wear the mask, walk around, and don't let anyone take a peek. Keep them away from you. From the person behind the mask. Keep them guessing, don't let them in. Because we all know, that once the mask is off, you're out of the game. They'll know the real you. They'll know your strength and weaknesses. They'll see the ugly face hidden behind the mask. The happy face, the beautiful facade will all fade away from their memories. Because they will all see, that the person behind the mask, isn't as happy, as good and as beautiful as we want them to believe. Then, they'll lose interest, because you're not as interesting anymore. You're not as colorful as the mask you wear.

So we keep on hiding, scared to lose the stage. Scared to lose what we seem to believe "the good life". And the worse is, we're scared that we'll one day have to admit to ourselves who we really are. That one day, as we stare in the mirror, we'll see the person that was hidden behind the mask. The person that you made yourself believe to be long gone, staring back at you, still the same as before. A person with a broken heart, a lost soul in an empty shell.

So we keep on wearing the mask. Play harder each time. And as we play longer, we get to know the game deeper. We develop our own skills and tricks. We get better each time. We get tougher and harder. We change the mask from time to time, trying to find the one that fits best. We get to collect the useful ones until they pile up. But we wouldn't care, because we can use them in different times and different occasions. So we go on with our life until we find the perfect mask. The mask that everyone would approve of. The mask that fits you best. Oh no, not the real you. But the "you" that people know. The you that this world of masquerade knows best.

There will come a time that you'll find the mask that fits you so perfectly, you'll feel comfortable wearing it. You wouldn't even have to take it off because it doesn't bother you anymore. In fact, it's so perfect that everybody likes it. Especially, you, the one that wears it. It hides you well and gives you the security that you need. Sometimes you don't even notice that you're wearing the mask. Oh, what a perfect thing to happen. You'll be walking around without worries. You don't have to think about the mask at all. You know too well that it wouldn't fall off, in fact it already seem natural. It looks so real and everybody likes it. You will then know that you've become an expert game player. One of those that can't be beaten.

The perfect mask will catch too much attention. Eventually, everyone would forget the real person behind. It's okay, that's the goal anyway, to take the attention away from the ugly person hidden by the mask. To show everyone a different person, that you are not you. And as everyone starts to forget 'you', nobody would be a reminder of reality anymore. You'd start to believe as everyone believes. Isn't that perfect? Because that's what we really want, to live in this perfect scenario we've set up for ourselves. To be able to move around the stage like it's our own space. But, unfortunately, as we start to live in that perfect scene, we also start to forget that it's nothing but an act. We start to lose our own identity. We've become too much of an expert that everything became a reflex. A reflex to smile when in pain, to laugh when on the verge of tears, to look happy while hiding the brokenness.

Sadly, we're too comfortable in this world of masquerade that we forget who and what we are. You'd think you'll be happy as the mask gets better. But no, because you've already lost yourself to the mask and can't take it off anymore. Now, you can't smile the real smile, and laugh a good laugh. You're already callous and taking the mask off can't be an option. No, because we don't know how to do it anymore. And even if we do, it'll only reveal a crushed heart, a dead soul and a shell that isn't empty anymore. The heart wasn't able to mend, because as it was buried, it became brittle. The soul died, because while you were busy perfecting the mask, you never had the time to find it. The once empty shell, is now full of angst, fear and hatred, because you never took the chance to fill it with joy, courage and love.

So as this masquerade goes on, I hope we'll all find the time to take the mask off from time to time. To take the chance to mend the broken hearts, to find the lost souls and fill up each one with love. Not just for ourselves, but for those that are around us. Especially, those who need help taking off the mask.

I can't ask for everyone to not wear the mask, because the sad and unfortunate fact is we all need one. But don't live with it, choose the right time to wear it and take it off as fast as you can after. We'll keep the mask and use it when necessary, because as what I've already said; we're living in a world of masquerade.

Wall

I built a wall. A wide, thick wall to protect me. A wall that stood between me and the world, covered me from its harm. I started to like my wall and built another one. Then, another one. Until the walls surround me. I liked my walls. It became my refuge. Hiding inside the walls became a habit. Until it was my home. I feel secured and comfortable. I never felt the need to protect myself anymore. I wasn't scared that something might come and hurt me again. The walls protected me. It was my home and my refuge.

The walls grew wider and thicker. I knew I was safe inside the wall. Everything will be fine as long as it's standing between me and the world. And it never stopped growing, it grew higher and thicker. I lost sight of the world and believed it's okay. The world only brought me pain. And I got scared of it. I feared everything that's in it, and that's why I let the walls grow so high, that it reached the skies. Let it be as thick as it can, so no one would be able to destroy it. Then, I lived safely inside the walls. Never afraid of the things that the world might throw my way. Never knowing what's on the other side. The walls covered me from harm. It was my protection and my refuge.

The walls grew higher. Even I can't get a peek of what's on the other side. I said it was fine. I don't need to see what's in it. It will only cause me disappointment, as it always had. The world has nothing to offer me but wounds. Its cruelty left scars in my heart, a reminder of what I had to go through before I had my walls. Now that I have my walls, it will cover me from hurt. It will be my protection and my refuge.

The walls are thicker now. Nothing like before. I couldn't hear what's on the other side. I can't hear the sound of people crying, pleading for mercy, begging for love. I was at peace. There was no chaos, no sorrow. The walls were my protection and my refuge.

The walls never stopped growing. It reached the skies. Even the birds couldn't go over my walls that stood so high. I never noticed them before. The walls are so thick, that I couldn't even hear them sing. But I never noticed them before. They can't come and visit me anymore, when will I see those little creatures again? Though, I never noticed them before. Now, I'm missing them, I'm wondering, why didn't I notice them before?

The walls are so high now. I didn't notice the walls I've created are slowly blocking the Sun. It's getting darker and colder inside the walls. The warmth provided by the Sun is slowly fading. As the walls get higher and thicker, I also get colder. Everything is turning darker. Till I couldn't see anything, not even my own hands. As I lost sight of everything, I remember how the birds used to sing for me. How the fire used to warm me and how the water used to hug me. How the rain used to wash me and how the wind used to caress me. The rainbow was an inspiration. The mountains were the goals. The storms were the challenges. And the flowers were the treasures. Oh how I didn't know them before. The beauty of the world I didn't see. The walls that I built to protect myself is now trapping me. I thought these walls are my protection and my refuge.

The walls have imprisoned me. I am now numb and blind to the world. I can only see glimpses of its shadows from memory. But it can only feed the mind and not the heart. I wanted to get out, to be free, to take the risk of being hurt and to see the beauty that the world shows. But the walls are now high and thick. The walls that was once my home is now my prison. What used to be my protection and my refuge is now keeping me captive.